Kids Are ALWAYS on Their Best Behavior

Surely, a child yelling “I hate you,” or throwing shoes around the room, is not demonstrating their best behavior. But in that moment, yes, they are.

Infants will cry to let us know they are hungry, or need help to meet their needs. Toddlers may use simple words and gestures. With time, children learn to communicate their thoughts and needs. Sometimes they use direct language, spoken with kindness – and other times they might scream or run and hide. Sometimes a tantrum is the only way to express helplessness, anxiety, or overwhelm – at these times, a tantrum is genuinely the child’s best behavior. Either the child is so distraught that they can’t find any other way to express their frustration, or they have learned that a tantrum is actually the quickest way to get what they want. Even as adults, when we become tired, hungry, or anxious, our behavior may be different than when we are rested and have some perspective.

We never want to assume the child “knows better.” In fact, in this moment, they are demonstrating that they do not. Even if just yesterday they behaved differently, today it is clear they need more practice.

Even when it feels as if the child’s behavior is manipulative, or they are just trying to get their way, we must not assume their behavior is directed at us personally. What feels like manipulation may actually be a healthy attempt at social referencing. Just as a laughing toddler running ahead of the slower adult will turn and check to see the adult is still there, children will “check in” with adults they have an attachment to as they test their own physical and behavioral boundaries.

All behavior is the reflection of a child’s skills, limitations, emotions, and moods within any given environment. It becomes our job as the adults to interpret the behavior and either reinforce it or shift the behavior toward healthy development. What is this behavior taking care of? We can offer a better way for the child to respond, then help them to practice new behaviors.

As parents and educators, when we start by assuming the child’s behavior is their best solution, we can more clearly identify the problem and provide the best response.

Caulbridge educators view all behavior as information. Students who are dysregulated cannot learn. Whenever a student becomes dysregulated, triggered, or anxious we check for three things:

1. Are they safe?

2. Are they connected to themselves or someone else?

3. Do they have the skills and capacities they need?

First, we determine if they need to be shielded from a situation. Then we establish a connection with the child so they feel cared about and know there is an adult who can help. Only after we determine that the child is safe, and is connected to an adult, do we determine what new skill or reminder is needed to shift their current behavior and practice new ones.

Through this lens, we see what is in the way of a child’s learning, and first re-regulate the child before attempting to address the behavior. Connection before correction! This perspective also helps us to remain neutral and not be personally triggered by the acting-out behavior. With an objective perspective, it is more likely that we can help guide the child toward a new behavior that may add to the child’s positive development.

Excerpt from A Common Sense Education in Uncommon Times: Caulbridge, by Debra Lambrecht, Founder and Head of School at Caulbridge School in Marin County, California.

Caulbridge School is a sponsor of Ronnie’s Awesome List.